Today’s actual conversation; cats and dogs edition!

Me: *walk walk walk. Minding my own business. Walk walk-SQUISH*

Me: Wah! Dog poo! GODDAMMIT!!

Steve Sr: Ha hahahahahahhaa.

Me: This is NOT FUNNY. You and your damn dogs. GODDAMMIT!!!!

Steve Sr: Hahahahahaa. I do it every day. They should really go on the paper, yeah?

Me: YES. They should go on the damn paper. And you should get carpets that don't mask the poo so I end up stepping on it in bare feet. DAMMIT.

Steve Sr: You should think about wearing shoes more often.

Me: Grrrrrrrr.

*new scene: Upstairs, with two obese cats*

Me: *minding my own business, watching crap TV*

Lulu (obese cat 1) *lick lick lick lick*

Me: Why are you licking my head?

Lulu: *lick lick lick*

Me: Getting a little damp here, idiot. Where the hell is your brother?

*CRASH*

Me: Oh shit.

Scene: My water glass is on the floor. Water everywhere. Stewart, the other obese cat, who has very little in the brain department, is surveying his destruction. He is very very proud of his accomplishments.

Me: You little bastard! What did you do?!?!?!

Stewart: *clueless grin and pathetic meow* STEWIE MADE MESS, MAMA! YAY!

Me: Goldfish. Why didn't I get goldfish?

Actual Conversation between me and Lifetime Movie Network

Me: Wow, is this movie awful. I cannot believe I'm watching this crap.

LMN: Hush. It's Sunday! There's nothing else to do!

Me: Well, I guess I could write, or, ya know, go outside or something...

LMN: I won't stand for such blasphemy. Now snuggle up with the cats and watch that chick from "Thirtysomething" pretend to be a shrink for DJ from "Full House"

Me: Isn't that one of Dante's circles of hell?

LMN: You know you love it.

Me: Fine. Now let me get this straight. DJ is catatonic after her parents were murdered, right? And everyone thinks she did it? And now she's got this shrink, and there are a bunch of random people also, who will clearly become red herrings in this storyline?

LMN: Yoooooooou betcha.

Me: I can feel my brain cells dying.

LMN: That's my job!

(time passes. I try to change the channel several times, but cannot summon the strength to do so)

Me: Oh! Thirtysomething chick is climbing a ladder! Eleventy million bucks says one of the ladder rungs suddenly gives out with dramatic music!

LMN: Sorry, didn't hear you.

(ladder rung gives out, with dramatic music)

Me: BOOYAHHHH!

LMN: Didn't hear you, sorry.

Me: Damn, this movie was certainly made in 1995. Check out the mom-jeans and oversized oxford shirt on whatshername. And Oh god, she's wearing a vest as well. Awesome. And I'm not even getting into the issue of her hair.

LMN: Just because you never figured out how to give yourself the Bridge and Tunnel bangs back in the day is not my fault.

Me: Did I mention that DJ Tanner is wearing Leonardo DiCaprio's old hair? Cause it is SUPER attractive.

LMN: Now you're just being mean. Accurate, but mean.

Me: Oh, thank christ, it's over. I'm outta here.

LMN: Except not, because coming up is a teen anorexia movie with Lynda Carter as the mom. You're not going anywhere.

Me: DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

Welcome to today’s installment of Actual Conversation Theater

People have asked me if my Actual Conversation with my mom was real, to which I replied "Oh lordy, yes, please send Valium" but then I started thinking about my dad, and our "conversations." To be completely fair, I adore my dad, and my daddoo and I have fantastic conversations face to face, but on the phone? Let's just say that both of my parents have...issues...with talking on the phone. For very different reasons. Example!

*ring ring*
Me: Hi! Dad?
Dad: MmmmHmm.
Me: How are you?
Dad: Mmm? Fine.
Empty Conversation Space: (.......)
Me: So! Dad! What's going on?
Dad: Nothing.
Empty Conversation Space: (.........)
Me: So...Um...How's work? Your students cool this semester?
Dad: Hmm. Pains in the ass.
Me: Great! Uh...And everything else? Anything?
Dad: Mmm? Fine.
Empty Conversation Space: Jeeeeeezus Keeeeee-rist. Make the pain stop.
Me: OH! Oh! Got it! The dog! How's the dog?
Dad: Pain in the ass.
Me: Oh. Okay. So...anything else?
Dad: Nope.
Empty Conversation Space: Thank God.
Me: Oooookay! Um...Talk to you later?
Dad: Yep.
Empty Conversation Space: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY! YOU'RE KILLING ME! HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE!
Me: Well, I was just calling to say that my hair is on fire and lizards are raining from the sky. Nothing important.
Dad: Mmmhmm. That's nice. I'll tell your mother you called. Loveyabye. *CLICK*
Me: Nice? Talking to you? Hello? Um...Okay. Bye! Love you! Hello? Oh, forget it.

Yet another clue as to my dorkiness (as if you needed one)

Me: Well, I've given it a lot of thought, and I'm leaning towards a diagnosis of histrionic personality disorder and/or bipolar I with psychotic features, with a possible dual diagnosis of substance abuse that is exacerbated by post-partum depression and/or psychosis. I don't have the exact DSM-IV codes as of yet, but I'd be happy to get them for you if it is necessary for charts and such.

The World: Dude. It's Britney Spears. Is that fancy talk for "batshit crazy?"

Me: *sigh* Yes. Yes it is. You know, I spent a LOT of money to go to grad school and learn those fancy words, dammit.

The World: You need a hobby, girl.

Me: So...you're saying you don't need those codes?

Today's Actual Conversation

( I assure you that my mother was dead sober during this conversation, and that her phone talents are like this on any given day. She's cool like that.)

Me: Hi! Mom?
Mom: HELLO?!??!!? HOLD ON!!!!
Me: Um, okay.
(incomprehensible yelling)
Me: Mom? Hello? Are you okay? I only need a min-
Mom: THERE'S A COP. I CAN'T BE ON THE CELL. CAN YOU HEAR ME????
Me: Why are you...why is there...please stop yelling, I can call you later-
Mom: NO! I CAN TALK! I'VE GOT THE PHONE ON THE PASSENGER SEAT!
Me: Wow. Fantastic. Mom, why don't I just call you ba-
Mom: CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY'RE BUILDING A DRUGSTORE NEXT TO ANOTHER DRUGSTORE!?!? I'M GOING TO THE DRUGSTORE! YOU KNOW, THE FIRST ONE!
Me: Mom? I'm gonna call you back. Try not to crash the car or get arrested or anythin-
Mom: I'M FINE! WHAT DO YOU NEED?!!??!
Me: Just wanted to know when you are-
Mom: DID YOU EAT TODAY?!?!?!
Me: Yes, mom, I ate today. Just wanted to know when you and Dad are-
Mom: WHAT DID YOU EAT? CARBOHYDRATES? THEY HELP YOUR REFLUX, YOU KNOW!
Me: Mom, I ate. I ate carbohydrates. I ate both cats and half the population of Savannah. I just wanted to know-
Mom: I WORRY WHEN YOU DON'T EAT
Me: Mom, please, I swear to every deity ever imagined that I ate. I just wanted to know when you and Dad were-
Mom: OH, THE COP IS GONE!
Me: Fabulous. Does that mean less yelling?
Mom: What? What are you talking about? What do you need?
Me: My eardrums thank you.
Mom: What are you talking about? Did you eat today? Was it healthy?
Me: *slamming face repeatedly against wall*
Mom: HELLO?
Me: OHMYGOD, I JUSTWANTEDTOKNOWWHENYOUANDDADARECOMINGBACKFROMVACATIONAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Mom: There's no need to shout.