I Am Officially Special.

Hot diggitty! I am now writing for MamaPop, your one-stop snarkfest on pop culture! All the ladies who write there are fabbity fab, and now you can catch my articles on Wednesdays and Thursdays, as well as on the Project Runway open thread on Wednesday night over at MamaPopTalk. I'm one of the moderators on the chat, so you know you best ackrite! If ragging on celebs and dissecting pop culture is your bag, come visit us - you know you want to, betches.

PS: To all mah betches who are lucky enough to go to BlogHer this year, have a fantastic time, and remember I am there in spirit - A spirit in a really fierce dress!

Where the hell is my boom box when I need it?

One of the plusses of going through all my moving boxes is finding crap I haven't seen in many, many a year. Other than completely hilarious old pictures I really have to get into a scanner, my favorite find so far has been a box of old cassette tapes. More specifically, old MIX tapes.

Now, kids, gather 'round and let Granny Banshee tell you about mix tapes. Back right after the Ice Age and before the internet (I know!) when teen angst reared its ugly head, or when you were sooooooo in love, ohmygod, you made mix tapes. Some were for you, intricately composed of the songs that really SPOKE to you, man, this is the story of my LIFE, only Pearl Jam really UNDERSTANDS ME and my PAIN of being 14, man! Others were worn to a staticky thread after that amazing boy broke your heart, you don't even LIKE that song, but oh, oh, you still love him, and once upon a time he loved you enough to make you a mix tape, so you listen to it over and over, carefully backing it up onto ANOTHER tape in case, horror of horrors, your Walkman ate the tape or you lost it on the bus. Liner notes were carefully and artistically fashioned and dated, and sometimes you were so proud of your efforts that you actually considered LAMINATING them, so deep was your passion for mix tapes.

Nothing can compare to the dedication needed to make a mix tape. CD mixes are okay, I GUESS, but nothing like the real thing. And forget iTunes. No. No passion there. A slight to the magic of the mix tape. No, the real deal involved sitting on your bed in a pile of cassettes, wearing your fingers to the bone carefully constructing your list, then, in an OCD act worthy of Howard Hughes, recording the tapes on your double-cassette boom box, re-playing and pausing for optimum editing. You worked that pause button like a SAFECRACKER, finding the one millisecond difference between a perfect segue and a disasterous cut-off of the last song. Tapes were also a very specific length, and let me tell you, if I had given a millionth of the obsessional time I took to make sure all the songs would fit on a 90 minute tape (45 minutes on each side, no leeway) to high school math, I would have been accepted to MIT. If you screwed up? You had to go back and do it ALL AGAIN. And don't even THINK of recording at double speed to save time. The audio isn't as good, and that would prove that your dedication to the mix tape was a SHAM. No, you sat there for hours until the tape was perfect, and then worked yourself into an absolute panic attack wondering if your music tastes were cool enough to be worthy of your high school paramour. (Hint: they never were. Such is the pain of pubescence.)

So I've been listening to my old tapes in my car. Yes, the only tape player left in my life is in my 2002 Kia, (don't smirk, the Kia demands AWE and RESPECT.) It's pretty amazing how music takes you back to specific times and places, with incredible emotional memory. I was playing an old tape my pal Mark gave me back in the day, and I swear, as soon as the grainy audio started, I was back walking down Amsterdam Avenue on a summer day. I still can't listen to most Sarah McLachlan without remembering the walk across Boston Common from my dorm to the classroom buildings. And forget about the songs from the Soul Asylum Unplugged show, which I taped from the VCR to the boombox, to the mix tape. I mean ALL the mix tapes. Every single one from 1994. And I made a LOT of mix tapes in 1994.

I remember being out of my mind frantic when my Walkman was stolen during AIDS Walk 2000, not for the machine itself, but because it contained a mix tape that K-Bat had made for me. Don't worry, K-Bat! I had made a backup tape! Banshee don't PLAY when it comes to mix tapes.

At this point, I am seriously, seriously considering finding a way to burn all my tapes onto mp3s, because these cracked and worn tapes are only going to hold on for so long. But I'll never, ever, throw them away. I wish I could make more. It makes me sad that angsty teenagers will never know the emotion of crouching over a boom box, thinking of that special person you are absolutely certain you will love forever and ever, spending insane numbers of hours constructing just for them, only for them, the perfect mix tape. Because that? Is love.

Because it's too good to not repeat...

In honor of the New Kids on the Block (NKOTB if you're nasty) reunion, I just HAVE to re-post an extraordinary IM conversation from way back between K-Bat and myself, wherein a chance encounter dissolves into discussing punk rock history with Jordan Knight, inviting him to go to K-Bat's office Christmas party, and ultimately convincing him to commit suicide. So without further ado, Ladies and Gentleman: The Jordan Knight Conversation.
-------------------------------------

KristaBat: i'm drunk.
missbanshee: you are!??
KristaBat: still.
missbanshee: Heh
missbanshee: awesome
KristaBat: from last night.
missbanshee: very nice
KristaBat: guess who i made friends w/ last night?
missbanshee: who?
KristaBat: JORDAN
KristaBat: FUCKING
KristaBat: KNIGHT
missbanshee: Shut. The fuck. Right. Up.
KristaBat: ha ha hahahhhaaa!
missbanshee: HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAA
KristaBat: i was so fucking drunk and he was at the
linwood.
KristaBat: and i pretended i didn't know who he was!
missbanshee: that is fucking AWESOME!
KristaBat: i was like, "did you go to emerson? you
look really familiar"
missbanshee:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
missbanshee: You fucking RULE
KristaBat: and then i talked to him about like, fugazi
and shit
KristaBat: HA!
missbanshee: oh my holy god, that is the funniest thing
of all time
KristaBat: i'm laughing SO hard right now. all by
myself. at work.
missbanshee: how gee-ross is he now?
KristaBat: fat.
KristaBat: and wearing like, swishy pants
missbanshee: Oh my GOD
missbanshee: this is the greatest story of all fucking time
KristaBat: fucking JORDAN KNIGHT!
KristaBat: HAHHHHHAAAA!@
missbanshee: Swishy pants!
missbanshee: Fat!
missbanshee: At the Linwood!
missbanshee: With YOU!!!!
missbanshee:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA
missbanshee: oh nmy god, it;s so funny i might shit my
pants
missbanshee: My mouth, it hangs open
KristaBat: i'm like, crying right now.
missbanshee: That is so fucking unbelievable
KristaBat: HA!
missbanshee: Ha! You talked about Fugazi with Jordan
fucking Knight!!!!!!
KristaBat: oh god.
missbanshee: HAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHHA
KristaBat: yeah i was like, " NKOTB? that's so funny
that you were in that group...
missbanshee: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
KristaBat: and i totally pretended like i DIDN'T know
every word to every song...
missbanshee: WHICH YOU DO!
KristaBat: I KNOW!
KristaBat: i swear, my sister was going to crap
herself.
missbanshee: MEEM WAS THERE?!?!?!!
missbanshee:
WAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!
KristaBat: YES!
missbanshee: I'm openly weeping with the laughter
KristaBat: oh my god, i'm crying. i tried to make him
come to CHARLIE'S!
missbanshee: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!!!!!!
KristaBat: oh myh god, i'm CRYING!!!
missbanshee: Did he put those sweet sweet NKOTB
moves on you?
KristaBat: alas, no, i don't think he did.
missbanshee: I'd quote lyrics, but I honestly always
hated them
KristaBat: or he may have..
missbanshee: perhaps he's gee
KristaBat: i really don't remember,
KristaBat: could be gee.
KristaBat: HA!
missbanshee: swishy pants, after all
KristaBat: true dat.
KristaBat: i'm so not doing work right now.
missbanshee: This? Is the greatest thing ever
missbanshee: Dude. Jordan motherfucking Knight. You
should have asked him if Danny still looks like a chimp.
missbanshee: "So Jordan, do you, in the privacy of your
own home, like, still dress up in your 8-Ball leather
jacket and acid-washed jeans and try to remember all
the old choreography?"
KristaBat: oh.
KristaBat: my,
KristaBat: god.
missbanshee: "Do you call Donnie and try to get him to
hook you up with some poon?"
missbanshee: "He was really good in all those movies.
He's been in a lot of movies, Donnie has. Did you go
see them?"
KristaBat: dude. stop!
KristaBat: HA!
missbanshee: "I heard Joey's on a tv show, Jordan.
Have you seen Joey on the tv show? Like, every week
he's on it."
KristaBat: HA!
KristaBat: i'm like, laughing maniacally right now.
missbanshee: "Dude, at least you don't look like a
chimp, Jordan. That's all I'm saying."
missbanshee: "Jordan, please stop crying."
KristaBat: AHHHHH!
KristaBat: i wish i remembered more of what actually
happened.
missbanshee: I'm fine with making it up...
KristaBat: fucking JORDAN KNIGHT!!!
missbanshee: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
KristaBat: so SO funny.
KristaBat: oh god.
missbanshee: Utter brilliance.
KristaBat: dude.
KristaBat: must do work now.
missbanshee: Yeah, cut and paste this fucker and send
it to Joe
missbanshee: Your Joe, not Joey McIntyre
missbanshee: although with your new connection with
Jordan, I'm sure we could get it to him too
KristaBat: i definitely called him last night about it.
missbanshee: check all your pockets for the digits,
dude.
KristaBat: HA!
KristaBat: oh my GOD.
missbanshee: "Krista, it was so good to meet you.
Please don't go, girl. Love and kisses, Jordan Knight.
PS: Please call me. Please. PLEASE.
KristaBat: oh my god. please... don't go girl...
please... don't go girl...
missbanshee: I'm collapsing with laughter
KristaBat: jordan and jon.
KristaBat: yeah
KristaBat: c'mon
missbanshee: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
missbanshee: You know ALL THE LYRICS.
KristaBat: we got a funky funky christmas goin on
missbanshee: You had a denim jacket COVERED
WITH PINS
missbanshee: you kissed them EVERY DAY
KristaBat: i'm crying.
KristaBat: i liked joe the best though
missbanshee: You whispered your secrets into your
JORDAN KNIGHT PILLOWCASE
KristaBat: i'm convulsing.
missbanshee: Joey? He was a FETUS! And
GEE-ROSS
KristaBat: i can't even breathe
missbanshee: Holy shit, you should have taken Jordan
Knight back to Big House
KristaBat: oh my god.
missbanshee: casually walked into the living room in
your NKOTB pajamas
KristaBat: "what? these old things?"
missbanshee:
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA
missbanshee: You could take Jordan Knight to
ManRay
KristaBat: stop.
KristaBat: or my christmas party.
missbanshee: "Cusraque, this is my very dear friend
Jordan Knight"
KristaBat: oh MYGOD! the tears!
missbanshee: Cusraque goes apoplectic, cause you
know he was a closet NKOTB lover
missbanshee: Taking Jordan Knight to The Model...
missbanshee: I'm going to pee myself
KristaBat: yeah dude. that would have been too
much for the model to handle.
KristaBat: like, jordan knight and amy mann would
have been in the same room.
missbanshee: "So, Jordan Knight, since I'm assuming
your schedule is rather sparse, do you want to come to
my office Christmas party?"
KristaBat: it's at the science museum. i like science.
do you like science?
missbanshee: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
KristaBat: liking science is funny.
missbanshee: Asking Jordan Knight if he likes science is
funnier
KristaBat: sayign jordan knight over and over is the
funniest thing EVER.
missbanshee: EVER
KristaBat: dude.
KristaBat: oh god.
missbanshee: I'm going to have a heart attack
KristaBat: i must do work.
KristaBat: but i can't.
missbanshee: NO! Jordan Knight doesn't want you to
do work!
missbanshee: Please don't go, girl!"
KristaBat: but then i'll never get to leave this
godforsaken place.
KristaBat: you're my popsicle.
KristaBat: from the very first time i met you girl you
KristaBat: cap
KristaBat: tured me.
KristaBat: HA!
missbanshee: "Hey, Jordan Knight, can you make my
Christmas party a very funky one?"
KristaBat: so good!
missbanshee: I'm in danger of losing all bodily functions
missbanshee: "Hey Jordan Knight! You made me shit
myself!"
KristaBat: HA!
missbanshee: "I must say, Jordan Knight, that's pretty
punk rock"
KristaBat: he WAS at the linwood after all.
KristaBat: i
KristaBat: am
KristaBat: crying
missbanshee: "I like punk rock. Do you like punk rock,
Jordan Knight?"
KristaBat: do you like FUGA-21? i like FUGA-21.
missbanshee: "Hey, Jordan Knight, so can we talk
about how Donnie is like, hot and rugged and in tons of
tv shows and movies and has lots of tattoos and is
probably getting more poon than he knows what to do
with?"
KristaBat: hot and rugged.
KristaBat: Jordan Knight is such a loser!
KristaBat: HA!
KristaBat: oh shit.
missbanshee: "Hey! Hey, Jordan Knight, what about
that solo career? Do you remember the video with the
ferris wheel, Jordan Knight? I do."
KristaBat: You know what Jordan Knight?
KristaBat: You've got the right stuff.
KristaBat: baby.
missbanshee: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
KristaBat: love the way you turn me on.
missbanshee: The right stuff to make me pee myself
laughing...
KristaBat: you got the right stuff.
KristaBat: baby.
KristaBat: you're the REASON WHY I SING THIS
SONG.
KristaBat: what??!?!?!
missbanshee: "Hey, Jordan Knight, just thinking about
you made me throw up a little."
KristaBat: don't worry. i swallowed it.
missbanshee: I did that for you, Jordan Knight
missbanshee: You know what, K-Bat?
KristaBat: ?
missbanshee: You've got the right stuff, baby
KristaBat: shut.
KristaBat: up.
KristaBat: oh
KristaBat: oh
KristaBat: oh
KristaBat: oh
KristaBat: oh
KristaBat: HA!
KristaBat: dude. i know the fucking DANCE
missbanshee: "Well, look at it this way, Jordan Knight.
You could always hang yourself like Jonathan Brandis.
People would remember you then."
missbanshee: "Never forget about suicide, Jordan
Knight,"
KristaBat: it's really the only way.
missbanshee: It's really your only option, Jordan
Knight.
KristaBat: killllllll
missbanshee: Do it, Jordan Knight. Get the rope.
KristaBat: here Jordan Knight, let me kick that chair
out from under you...
missbanshee: You have nothing to live for anymore,
Jordan Knight. Go with a little dignity. On your own
terms and all
missbanshee: Do it.
KristaBat: i mean, you're already wearing swishy
pants...
KristaBat: who cares if you shit yourself...
missbanshee: there's nowhere to go now but down
missbanshee: you're already giving hummers for crank,
Jordan Knight, don't think we don't know
KristaBat: i'm in a band called hummers for crank.
KristaBat: do you want to be in my band?
missbanshee: HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA
missbanshee: crying again...
KristaBat: here, Jordan Knight, have a tambourine.
missbanshee: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
KristaBat: i don't think i've laughed this hard in
YEARS.
missbanshee: Shake that thang, Jordan Knight.
missbanshee: neither have I
missbanshee: I can barely see
KristaBat: me either.
KristaBat: i have so much work to do too!
KristaBat: HA!
missbanshee: SO DO I!
missbanshee: ARGH!
missbanshee: a little bit
KristaBat: JORDAN!
KristaBat: what a fucking gay-ass name!!
KristaBat: dude.
missbanshee: Well, think of it this way. Even as he's
swinging from a noose, covered in his own poo...
missbanshee: At least he didn't look like a chimp.
KristaBat: when he was in NKOTB he used to have
to go out and wear "a hat and glasses"
KristaBat: so girls wouldn't recognize him.
missbanshee: Krista, he had to travel INCOGNITO
missbanshee: Like a SPY
missbanshee: Jordan Knight, were you really a spy?
KristaBat: and last night i was totally talking to him
about like Husker Du and Bob Mould's solo career!
missbanshee: Did he have ANY idea what you were
talking about?
KristaBat: NO!
KristaBat: HA!
missbanshee: I can't believe he OUTED himself as
JORDAN KNIGHT
missbanshee: I would have been like, uh, my name's
Bob
KristaBat: i KNOW!
he was like, "i was the LEAD SINGER in new kids on
the block..."
KristaBat: HA!
missbanshee: STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
missbanshee: "Seriously, Jordan Knight, it's time to get
the gun."
KristaBat: i'm going to fall out of my chair.
KristaBat: okay.
KristaBat: work.
missbanshee: we need to stop
missbanshee: for a bit
KristaBat: more later.
missbanshee: saving conversation...now
KristaBat: yes.
KristaBat: me too!
missbanshee: HA!
KristaBat: oh god.

Yet another clue as to my dorkiness (as if you needed one)

Me: Well, I've given it a lot of thought, and I'm leaning towards a diagnosis of histrionic personality disorder and/or bipolar I with psychotic features, with a possible dual diagnosis of substance abuse that is exacerbated by post-partum depression and/or psychosis. I don't have the exact DSM-IV codes as of yet, but I'd be happy to get them for you if it is necessary for charts and such.

The World: Dude. It's Britney Spears. Is that fancy talk for "batshit crazy?"

Me: *sigh* Yes. Yes it is. You know, I spent a LOT of money to go to grad school and learn those fancy words, dammit.

The World: You need a hobby, girl.

Me: So...you're saying you don't need those codes?